Who am I Living For?
by MasquedAngel
Summary: -Who am I living for?- No, he wasn't living for anybody. He was dying for the people he loved most because there was nothing in him that deserved to live, and nothing in him that wanted to live after the destruction and tragedy he caused by his never ending mistakes. Tragic Yullen songfic. Warning: this is extremely dark, and not for the faint of heart. Third category is romance.


I guess I was just itching to write a tragedy. I honestly have NO IDEA where this came from, because if you know the song by Katy Perry, then you know it's not nearly this dark. Actually, I see it as more inspiring. I'm going to come right out and say that I don't appreciate flames, if you don't like it, then you don't have to say so. Criticism, however, is cherished. Praise, well, praise is just damn awesome. I'm going on like, 2 hours of sleep the past two days, so if this sucks, I apologize profusely, but this idea would not leave me alone.

One last thing. I suppose this connects to **Infection** (my Yullen multi-chapter fic). If you want to see it that way, be my guest, but it wasn't intended that way.

**NOTICE: Edits have been made due to lyric problems.**

*I don't own DGM or the song. The rights go to their owners.*

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**Who am I Living For?**

Allen could feel his heart racing as he accepted that today was the day; this would be it. The Millennium Earl would finally cease his reign of terror on the world. As an exorcist, there was no other path he could take, they all lead to the same destination, the same inevitable conclusion. He had to fight the Earl to restore peace to the tragic and burdened world. Allen was terrified he would fail… he failed so many times now, he lost count. Long ago, he abandoned the Order, his _friends_, so he could keep them safe from the Noah within himself. He was so different from the rest of them that it hurt his very being.

He could recall the time when they once were all together and all happy. They were a team, they were survivors. More importantly, they were exorcists. They constantly kept fighting for each other, never stopping. When tragedy struck, and it struck often, they forged camaraderie so strong, it could break diamonds.

Where did it go so wrong? He couldn't even remember anymore. All he could remember was the pain, the unexplainable sorrow that gripped his heart when everything came crashing down.

The road he travelled was unlike any other. He bore the burden of two monsters inside him, clashing against each other painfully. The two parts of him caused the dark and lonely path he followed to be wrought with endless despair, tragedy, and sorrow. It seemed never ending until _today._ Today, he would be ready. The twisting path he had been on for so long _had _to reach its conclusion today. There was no tomorrow.

This would be his last fight, the fight that leads to victory for everybody but him. He knew destiny and fate both must have hated him… otherwise, he would have been able to enjoy the taste of his sweet victory before the cold hands of death reaped his soul. Perhaps he was forever cursed because he forever sinned… after all; he had taken a bite of the forbidden fruit.

How sweet that fruit had been.

But now, that was over. He had one final task, one final test. He knew that everything depended on this, so he had to be there. He couldn't give up because the fruit that had once been so sweet had rotten away and died.

Allen wished that the fate that was bestowed on him had been on anybody else because he knew he wasn't good enough to live up to it either way. He'd sinned time and time again and never learned his lesson.

On the battlefield, if you never learned, you constantly allowed everyone else protect you. If you allowed everyone protect you, you watched your mistakes kill your comrades, and you were forced to live with that. It wasn't on anybody's shoulders but yours, and you had to find the strength to continue on your own, with no help from anyone because _you didn't deserve it._

Just when you finally found that strength, history then chose that moment to repeat itself and make all your pain magnified by tenfold. Experience was a cruel teacher, but if you didn't learn the lesson, it was an unbearable circle of never ending tragedies that only piled up as you went around. It was enough to drive anyone to a grave willingly.

Allen only kept going because it was a promise he made to so many people who lost their lives hoping he'd make good on that promise.

The Noah was getting restless for battle. Now that Allen and the Fourteenth agreed to work together, things had gotten much better. The deeply sentimental part of him wondered if his old comrades would have accepted him if they knew.

It was the biggest 'what if' moment he ever had.

What if he told them he could work with the Fourteenth? What if he told them that they were all on the same side?

As much as he avoided such thoughts, he couldn't help but think about them from time to time, and today was the last day he could possibly even think to regret anything that was long since put behind him.

If only he had tried reaching out… maybe his path would have seen less blood. Maybe confining himself to solitude had been the opposite of helpful. If he was going to regret, he was going to let it happen. He was going to open himself up to whatever pain that was waiting for him because ultimately, he deserved it.

He prayed for strength even if he didn't deserve it, because he knew that there was no way he could succeed without it. The pressure had been blowing him up for over a year, but today, it was different. The pressure surrounding him was crushing everything that made Allen Walker _Allen Walker_. There was nothing left of the person he once was, and no matter heartache he felt was going to change that. There was only an empty shell of what used to be.

Allen ruined himself always trying to do the right thing because he always ended up doing something wrong. There was nobody but himself to blame for his actions. Sure, he could blame the Fourteenth if he wanted, but that was a bold lie because Allen himself had chosen the Fourteenth. It was his choice when he left them all. _That was on him_.

The death of the person he loved the most was on his hands, too. That blood remained encrusted on Allen's mismatched hands, no matter how much he washed them. There was no way to wipe innocent blood off of guilty hands. Allen let himself get too close, he allowed himself to be selfish and taste the fruit he was forever shunned from. That was his ultimate sacrifice, the one he avoided so terribly.

It was his fault, and there was no way to get around it.

Cross was right, as always. He did kill someone he loved, Allen just never imagined it like how it happened.

Allen found himself hating God, fate, destiny, and whatever names he went by once more for the unforgivable fate that landed on him. _Why_ did it have to be him? Why couldn't Allen have had a happy life? The life he was given was never a life worth living. He was sent to battlefield after battlefield, bloodshed after bloodshed. No matter where he went, tragedy followed.

No, that wasn't a life worth living. Maybe when he had something to live for, something to hold on to, it was. But he didn't. Not anymore. Maybe it wasn't God so much as himself that he hated, because in the end, it always went back to him and his mistakes.

After materializing out of shadow, one of his Noah abilities, he slashed his sword through the Earl's chest. Surprise had been on his side, but was no longer. Nothing seemed to last on his side for very long. A perfectly deadly dance began with no real changes. There was no upper hand to have, and Allen's only advantage wasn't worth much. All he had was no feelings on the matter anymore. There were no emotions in his heart on this battlefield. There was nothing but his empty numbness that couldn't be used against him.

Their deadly dance continued, but Allen used the one sword move he never thought would come in handy… and the Earl's sword dropped to the ground, but not before Allen's was embedded in the chest of the evil man. Allen's eyes watched as the Earl created a black ball of the darkest of dark matter, but did nothing to stop the incoming blow. Without a doubt, the Earl was going to die.

The only thing that changed, but hadn't really, not in Allen's mind, was that his death was ensured to be by the hands of the Earl.

Darkness over took him, and he could almost taste heaven, but knew it was just a taunt. The flames below were screaming his name, and there was no way for a flammable object to escape catching fire.

He could see all of his sins before him as pain flooded every cell in his body. It was as if someone had written them all down just to throw them into his face. No matter where he looked on the wall, there was something he did wrong, something he didn't do well enough. There were all of his tragedies, all of his mistakes, and all of his grief presented to him in a sadistic way, and he knew that was his welcome to hell, but perhaps he'd been there all along. At the end of it all, there was no end. There was nothing different in life or death for him. They were one and the same.

There was no greatness left in him. His crown may have never left him, but he had never been worthy of the crown to begin with. It was just the constant reminder that the crown's greatness would never be outweighed, it could never be matched, and certainly not by Allen Walker. No. The greatness was impossible to compare to, so he never tried.

Once more, for good measure, he was faced with all of his regrets. The war that he had started out so hopeful in had drained him of everything he was, who he wanted to be, and what he could have been. At the end of it all, not a thing had changed. Who had he been living for? He used to live for vacant memories, empty promises. Finally, he supposed, he hadn't failed. It only took numerous failures beforehand to succeed. It was tragically twisted.

He wondered who he was even living for anymore... before he realized, no, he wasn't living for anybody. He was _dying_ for the people he loved most because there was nothing in him that deserved to live, and nothing in him that wanted to live after the destruction and tragedy he caused by his never ending mistakes.

_Kanda_, the young boy thought. _I'm finally coming to join you. I guess I can't walk anymore._

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I would love to hear what you have to say, even if I wrote this just to get it off my chest. Please review.


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